frumious figures out his head


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an image that haunts me to this day
10.27.05 (3:02 am)   [edit]
I remember
the big blue coat
with the fur lined hood
and watching my feet as I walked

I remember
my seeing my breath
and standing apart
as we waited for the bus

I remember
turning my face to the
cold sweating window
and wanting to be at home

I remember
walking to class
In confusion and dread
and hurting timidity

I remember
all the kids taunting the weak

I remember
all the spit on my back

I remember
wandering off into the fields
staring at the ground

I remember
making up words like sorax
and crying to myself

I remember
the teachers that liked me
and the ones that hated me

I remember
the failure compounded
every quarter for years

I remember
the punishment
the offered rewards

I remember
the psychologists
and specialists

I remember
late nights with the
radio and legos

I remember
going to sleep very late
and hating to get up

I remember
walking alone in the woods
and catching snakes

I remember
wanting it all
to end

I remember
being singled out
and punished

I remember
climbing the cherry tree
and gorging myself

I remember
the cold days on
the soccer field

I remember
knowing deep down
I would never fit in

I remember
the shame I felt
gnawing at me everyday

I remember
the horror of childhood
a horror that is still there

now that my life has grown big
and sprawls

I have yet to grow up
the fear and the pain
are still there
I haven't been able to shake it

I'm still just that little
kid that no on can help
that no one will ever be able to reach

the kid that you hate because he's just
hurting himself

the kid you try to help but can't

the distance will always be there

you can be in my arms but I’m inside of
you

I left myself long ago
that pitiful figure
crying, wary, untethered

I remember when I was in a boat with my father
we were going pretty fast on the sound
I had a butter knife in my hand
and I was slicing it through the water

It fell from my grasp and disappeared
swallowed my the immense darkness
beneath us
that's
an image that haunts me to this day

I don't have any idea how to make a go of it
what am I to do?

there is no one around to give me a self
there is no reason to subject any others
to my pain anymore

I didn't lose anything
I never lost a wife or a child
I never had them
my heart is diseased
it was a sham

I'm just a wounded child who
wants to stare at his feet
who doesn't want to look at you
who is lost and alone
and afraid

A pathetic character
whose sorrow for himself seems boundless

Is there any way to get in touch with the pain

to go beyond it

or has time mutated it into forms
I can no longer recognize

warping the lenses I see the world through

there is need and desire somewhere inside
but is there
ever going to be a spot inside
that is still and strong

can this whole damaged life coalesce somehow?
bringing into being
a whole person
who can stand?